Submissive Feelings of Abandonment and Neglect (Made Rebloggable by Request)
Sir and I have been together in a long distance relationship. With that being said, in the beginning he used to email and text and call a lot, now it comes less and less. I have no clue why. He says I have to contact him, and I do, but it can be days before I hear back, and then at times he blames it on me. This is the longest Dom/sub relationship I’ve had, so I’m at a loss at what to do. I feel like I’m in a drop from sessions, scenes and such. Advice? Do i say something? Is this emotional abuse?
I hear similar stories over and over of submissives whose Doms just seem to trail off and not respond to them any longer and I have answered this basic question a number of times. In the past I have soft pedaled my responses in an effort to be polite but perhaps I need to be more blunt.
Submissives have strong needs for contact, communication, adoration, praise and reassurance. Yes, submissives as a group are a needy lot. It is that neediness that plays so strongly into the desire of Dominants to be needed. The old saw in D/s that Dominants want to be needed and submissives need to be wanted has a great deal of truth in it. Its why we work so well together and create such magic with one another.
So all you would be Doms out there…if you think you are a Dominant and want the benefits of devotion, submission, adoration and obedience that it brings, you better be prepared to live up to your side of the bargain. That means being a consistent and caring leader, being present and involved, continually reassuring and accepting, empathetic and understanding, and communicating regularly with care and concern. Guys (sorry, I know full well Doms are not all men), if you want to play you have got to pay. This is not a free lunch for blind obedience. You have to not only earn submission up front but maintain the credibility and respect for the duration. If you want to own somebody, you better be worthy of being an owner. Period. That means you need to be communicative and attentive to the neediness that a submissive brings to the table.
Further, because neediness and deep attachment is so prevalent and in fact the beauty of a D/s bond, about the most hurtful thing a Dominant can do to a submissive is to make them feel either unworthy or abandoned. Not contacting a submissive on a regular basis, not returning phone calls, not being attentive to their feelings or needs, or otherwise trailing off into the sunset is abandonment folks. You are hurting a submissive more through these inactions than you could ever do with any physical pain. You took the submission, you own the responsibility. No one has the right to ask another person for everything, accept everything, then cast it aside when you grow tired or bored. A human life and a human heart has value above anything else. You may be treated like a god by your submissive but you are no God. You do not get to decide who lives and dies. And when a Dom abandons a submissive it is indeed an form of assassination by a slow painful death. You have encouraged a submissive’s vulnerability, convinced them to lower their armor, and then through abandonment cut them a thousand times and left them to slowly bleed to death.
So all you so called Dominants out there get your shit together or get out of the pool. I for one am tired of hearing this story over and over again. If you are tired of a submissive, are attracted to someone else, don’t feel comfortable in the relationship, realize you made a mistake, or just didn’t know what you were getting into, actually be worthy of being called a Dominant; be honest, communicate clearly, effectively and with compassion, and release your submissive gently but firmly. But for heavens sake don’t just abandon them and leave them to suffer, wonder, worry and fret. Abandonment of a submissive through neglect or intentional failure to respond is a spineless, cowardly, deeply inconsiderate act. No one who undertakes such action or inaction deserves the title of Dominant, let alone Master.
So now that I have vented and gotten that off my chest, what should a submissive do who is confronted with a Dom who never calls, writes, interacts, or otherwise shows care and concern for their submissive?
All too often, submissives do not feel they can approach their Dominant with a concern or problem in the relationship. They feel they are overstepping their bounds, making demands when they should be serving, or fearful of angering their Dominant. All D/s relationships should have a provision built into them where everyone can take a time out and talk to each other as equals in an effort to address problems or concerns in the relationship. If this does not exist in a D/s relationship I would certainly question the Dom and their motives. That said, if a Dominant refuses to interact in such a manner with the submissive or after hearing them out does not respond to the plea for attention, communication, or other care, then more drastic measures should be undertaken.
If a submissive is not getting what they need in a D/s relationship and have exhausted other means they can petition the Dominant to be released. D/s is after all a conscious and free choice on the part of both Dominant and submissive. But be warned! Petitioning for release should never, ever be used as a bargaining chip. Don’t go to a Dom with the attitude that if you do not get your way you will petition to be released like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. A petition to be released is in fact the actual release mechanism. If you ask to be released that is what you will be. Never play chicken with that request or use it as a bargaining chip. It is a serious thing to petition to be released and in my view it is terminal. You ask, you are released. End of story. Be sure that is what you want.
However, in the instance of submissives who are suffering through neglect or abandonment by their so-called Doms, petition for release is exactly what I argue should be done. If all efforts at communicating needs have been exhausted and are either falling on deaf ears of being disregarded, then I feel very strongly that the submissive should take the initiative and stop the pain and suffering. Petition for your release and do your best to move on. It will hurt like hell and there will certainly be a sense of pain and loss, but it will be far less and shorter in duration than suffering endlessly in continual feelings of neglect or abandonment.
Submission is perhaps the ultimate vulnerability. The choice to give oneself over completely to another cannot be taken lightly and should only be given to the most worthy of recipients. If they are not holding up their end of the bargain and taking responsibility for the absolute trust that has been placed in their hands, then they are not worthy of the submission and it should be retracted. The submissive should petition for release and move on the wiser for it and knowing better what they are seeking in the future.
I realize that this commentary has been unusually harsh but I admit to being saddened and frustrated by hearing this same story over and over again. The details may be slightly different but the theme is the same; a dominant who walks away from their submissive with great cowardice perhaps hoping the submissive will simply just go away. It is abandonment. It is indeed emotional abuse. And it is not worthy of the service, devotion and respect afforded to one with the title of Dominant or Master.
I am sorry this response is so harsh but I hope this time I have been sufficiently clear in both my opinions on the matter and my recommendations to submissives who unfortunately find themselves in these shoes.
I wish you peace on your journey and please above all, be kind to yourself.
A personal rare experience…
I just had one of the most interesting, new and sort of eye opening experiences in my D/s life. In the last few days, I just learned a lot about my little side.. my submissive side.. my “me” side.
As a protective little, whenever anyone talks shit about my Sir, I instantly pull out poisoned daggers. To make a complicated intro shorter let’s just say that some people that I care about don’t like Sir at all, and continuously make it known to me that they hate him. Whenever anyone talks about Sir like that, it hurts me. My little starts to disappear, and I become less vulnerable. I basically become the person I usually am whenever I’m just going along with life, not submissive and very controlling - oh and bitchy. Anyway, it got so bad that at the end of the entire ordeal it felt like my submissive side, my dear little side was gone.
I wasn’t submissive at all. Sir had nothing on me, I was capable of disobeying, talking back, mouthing off, everything. I treated him like he was just a vanilla boyfriend. I still loved him very much, I simply lost that “edge”. I started questioning the D/s lifestyle: Why do I talk about my little like she’s a person? Why do I speak about her in third person? Does that make me weird? Does that make me crazy? Am I bipolar? Split personality? I began questioning Sir: Do you think I sound insane? Do I seem like I have multiple personalities? IS THIS NORMAL?
Sir responded very well to all of this, he would calmly answer each question with no, you are not crazy, no you are not weird. Our relationship came to the point where I could choose where to take us next. I could turn us both vanilla, or I can get my little back and fall back into D/s. Even though I was out of it, I knew in my heart that D/s is the only relationship that feels real and right to me but Sir is the only one who would be able to bring my little back out again…
….and that is exactly what he did.
One night we went out for dinner. I was still my vanilla, bitchy self, but Sir was very patient with me. I wasn’t very submissive, so I wouldn’t even call him Sir. Anyways, before dinner Sir had some candies that he was munching on. I wanted one, so I said: I want one. and opened my mouth wide for him to feed it to me. The first thing he did was take the candy away and told me to ask him nicely. I mustered up the courage to ask: can I have some candy please? ..apparently it was enough, so he gave me a bite, but soon after he asked: what do you say? .. now that one sentence sent some tingles “down there”. I again, mustered up the courage to thank him. The night carried on, when Sir would talk to me he’d put in words such as: my submissive, my subby, my little one. Each time he said any of those words, more butterflies would come out..
To all the little ones out there, you know that “little cute voice” that you pull out when you want something? Along the lines of: PUHHLEEEEZE DADDDDDDDYYY? well, that started to seep into my sentences.. I started joking around more, being more playful. Suddenly, Sir comes in for a kiss but wraps his hand around my throat and begins to squeeze. I’m not sure if it was something in my eyes, or the fact that I began to blush but after awhile Sir simply said: “there you are little one.. :)” and I started crying. I could not stop the tears welling up in my eyes as Sir held onto me. He sat there quietly, stroking my hair as I let all of the pent up emotions out. Finally I had stopped crying, he wiped my face, kissed me on the forehead and quietly said: “I missed you subby..”
The rest of the night was great. Our dynamic was back, I was back. I felt completely like myself, not the fake shell that I am for the rest of the world out there.
All I can say was this was quite a new experience in my submissive life. I learned a lot about the lifestyle and I learned a lot about my relationship. I really do owe my happiness to my Sir and to him I say:
Thank you Sir. I love you.
Deciding to come back to reality from His Breaking Bad marathon, He glanced up at the clock and realized it had been 3 and a half hours…..and at least 2 since He’d seen any sign of His little girl. Every now and then she would go off and do her own thing, but He still had a nagging feeling. It wasn’t that often that she didn’t at least check in with Him.
“Kitten!” He summoned her, “where are you sweetheart!?” He waited the appropriate 30 seconds that He usually allowed her and called again…….still no answer. He started to worry, especially with those infrequent but thoughts about what He would do without her, if she wasn’t a part of His life. Of course He hadn’t mentioned them to her, but still.
From the den to the kitchen to the bathroom, He made His way through their cozy little place trying to anticipate where she might have run off too. And then He heard it. At first the sound was barely audible, but He was sure He recognized it as He moved closer.
It was coming from the closet, no question about it now. The buzz quickly increased just as His hand came to rest on the knob and pull the door open. Found you.
Within a split second He shifted from worry to relief and then, anger. She was splayed out on the closet floor, panties around her ankles and her new favorite toy inside of her set to the max, and of course tangled up in one of His button-downs.
“Daddy! I…..” she tried to explain, but He wasn’t having it.
He calmly questioned her, “What do you think you’re doing?” . Frantically searching for something, anything, she came up blank. Dragging her out of the closet, He pulled her into full view of the low table-side lamp. Sweat had begun to bead on her soft skin, running down her neck and collar bones.
“You’ve disobeyed me. I gave you very specific orders, but you went behind my back anyway” He shifted the vibrator for emphasis, illiciting a deep groan as He pulled it loose.
Now that she wasn’t so distracted, she could reply “I’m sorry Daddy, but I couldn’t take it anymore! You haven’t let me cum for at least two weeks and I just….” her voice trailed off whimpering “I need you”.
It took everything He had not to pin her down and give her a fuck she would never forget when she said those words like that, when she was looking up at Him with those sweet, desperate eyes gazing through her heavy lashes.
“Fine, go ahead and cum” He told her, never even breaking His stance. She seemed confused. This has to be a trick. There must be some catch she tried to reason as she tried to read His demeanor. But He just continued to wait.
“Go ahead. I give you permission”. Hesitantly her hand traveled over her stomach and between her thighs to meet the wetness she’d created. She watched his eyes roam over her and imagined they were His hands. She remembered the way he could make her shiver with one little finger, or the way his rough hands caressed her nipples. It all just made her ache for Him more as her knees fell apart.
The more her pulse increased the heavier her eyelids felt. They were nearly closed when she felt His hand slide over hers, guiding her fingers inside of her. She could feel it, she was so close, if He would just help her out…
Books/Articles on BDSM
I love learning new things. And since I am still in training, I try to find and read books and articles about BDSM and different topics pertaining to the subject matter. If you ever read a book or an article about BDSM (topic examples include pain tolerance, lifestyle differences, views on collared vs owned vs slave, Dom vs Domme, etc) and would like to share the article/book (the source) and even your views, you can do so by submitting to either blogs below:
(If you want your submission to be posted or not, please let it be known in your submission)
Can’t wait to see all the information that you all have to share!
Why being a Dom is like being a good manager
To piggy back off of Friday’s post on why being a sub is a lot like being an employee, I wanted to share why that same analogy could apply to Doms.
When you work for a company, a good manager is all about helping you achieve your professional goals. This year, I have had the opportunity to take on some amazing mentors at work, who have been able to take my conversations, consider my thoughts, and use that information to develop a plan to get me to not only where I think I can go, but where they think would allow me to the best opportunities for growth. Essentially, a good Dom is like that.
That said…think about a bad manager you had. Typically, they are sneaky and have selfish motives. They generally don’t give you all the information needed to do your job to the best of your ability. Sometimes they throw new responsibilities on you without the proper training or preparation. If you talk to them about your concerns, they are defensive and/or dismissive. They threaten you with losing your job if you don’t perform a certain way. They don’t encourage you and don’t think that your thoughts, feelings or morale matter. There are a lot of Doms who are just like those crappy managers at work. If you use this analogy, they are pretty easy to spot. For the Doms, it’s important to make sure that you aren’t exhibiting any of these qualities, because this will not result in you having a sub who serves well. The motivation to serve will be fear-based or simply because their self-esteem has been shattered. I have worked jobs where I felt like nothing I did was good enough. Do not be the kind of “boss” who makes your sub feel that way.
A good manager inspires his (or her, but again I’m not staying gender neutral for speed and brevity) staff to work well because he believes in them. Encouragement is used often to keep morale high. Rewards, promotions, raises and general appreciation for hard work of the staff is given freely as a good manager knows that the results of the staff are a DIRECT reflection of what they put into their own job. Along those same lines, you cannot call yourself a good manager if your team comes in every day hating what they do. As a leader, you need to inspire them to be the best they can possibly be…to meet and exceed their own expectations. A good Dom does the same for his sub. I can say that when I have had managers who were my cheerleaders and believed in my abilities, I worked that much harder to make them proud. A sub wants her Dom to be pleased and will do the same.
If you have a sub who isn’t behaving in a way you want her to, are you sure you were clear about your expectations? There is nothing worse than coming to work and being reprimanded for something you didn’t even know was a problem. Are you providing feedback to your “employee” and suggesting ways the job performance can be improved upon? Are you apologizing when necessary? It’s awful to work for a manager who cannot admit when they are wrong. It leads to trust issues and the employee feeling like they don’t have a voice. Keep all of these ideas in mind.
Again, I believe that people over-complicate this idea. Being a good Dom doesn’t require a huge cock, leather pants and a flogger. Being a good Dom requires good leadership/management skills and consistency. The same things used in a work environment. As discussed in the previous post, Doms agree to terms and conditions as well. As the Dom, you are agreeing to care for your submissive when you collar her. If you don’t feel like you have what it takes to provide her with the skills she needs to do her “job” well then perhaps it’s times to release her. It isn’t fair to take on an employee, work them to death and they get no reward for their dedication. No one can thrive under those conditions.
So again, this idea of manager/employee can help make the concept of D/s a lot easier to understand. When giving a gift to someone you don’t expect anything in return. When dominance and submission are given, something IS expected, which is why that gift idea just doesn’t sit well with me. This is a relationship that is co-dependent and the boss/employee need to both work with integrity and follow the “You and your company” manual so that everyone gets what they need to.