So to continue my theme of BDSM fantasy vs reality, I’d like to talk about punishments. But here is my post from earlier that starts off my rant, lol:http://subbieblackgrl.tumblr.com/post/18909913645/why-a-d-s-relationship-is-like-parenthood
Anyway, I was reading yesterday on someone’s…
FETLIFE FOR NEWBIES
Tuesday May 21st
10pm Eastern US (time zone converter)
Sponsored by House Of BruisesMany BDSM newbies, especially submissives, are apprenhesive of Fetlife because of the harassing nature of the wannabe “doms” that seem to troll for newcomers.
In this BDSM seminar, DominantLife and SouthernDom will take you, step-by-step, through the process of setting up an account, adding friends, how to search and join groups, add your most secret fetishes and, most importantly, AVOID CREEPS.
Hope to see you there.
Click here to go to the CHAT ROOM.
Can you make it?
(via southerndom)
Anonymous asked
Sir and I have been together in a long distance relationship. With that being said, in the beginning he used to email and text and call a lot, now it comes less and less. I have no clue why. He says I have to contact him, and I do, but it can be days before I hear back, and then at times he blames it on me. This is the longest Dom/sub relationship I’ve had, so I’m at a loss at what to do. I feel like I’m in a drop from sessions, scenes and such. Advice? Do i say something? Is this emotional abuse?
FTLOAS Response:I hear similar stories over and over of submissives whose Doms just seem to trail off and not respond to them any longer and I have answered this basic question a number of times. In the past I have soft pedaled my responses in an effort to be polite but perhaps I need to be more blunt.
Submissives have strong needs for contact, communication, adoration, praise and reassurance. Yes, submissives as a group are a needy lot. It is that neediness that plays so strongly into the desire of Dominants to be needed. The old saw in D/s that Dominants want to be needed and submissives need to be wanted has a great deal of truth in it. Its why we work so well together and create such magic with one another.
So all you would be Doms out there…if you think you are a Dominant and want the benefits of devotion, submission, adoration and obedience that it brings, you better be prepared to live up to your side of the bargain. That means being a consistent and caring leader, being present and involved, continually reassuring and accepting, empathetic and understanding, and communicating regularly with care and concern. Guys (sorry, I know full well Doms are not all men), if you want to play you have got to pay. This is not a free lunch for blind obedience. You have to not only earn submission up front but maintain the credibility and respect for the duration. If you want to own somebody, you better be worthy of being an owner. Period. That means you need to be communicative and attentive to the neediness that a submissive brings to the table.
Further, because neediness and deep attachment is so prevalent and in fact the beauty of a D/s bond, about the most hurtful thing a Dominant can do to a submissive is to make them feel either unworthy or abandoned. Not contacting a submissive on a regular basis, not returning phone calls, not being attentive to their feelings or needs, or otherwise trailing off into the sunset is abandonment folks. You are hurting a submissive more through these inactions than you could ever do with any physical pain. You took the submission, you own the responsibility. No one has the right to ask another person for everything, accept everything, then cast it aside when you grow tired or bored. A human life and a human heart has value above anything else. You may be treated like a god by your submissive but you are no God. You do not get to decide who lives and dies. And when a Dom abandons a submissive it is indeed an form of assassination by a slow painful death. You have encouraged a submissive’s vulnerability, convinced them to lower their armor, and then through abandonment cut them a thousand times and left them to slowly bleed to death.
So all you so called Dominants out there get your shit together or get out of the pool. I for one am tired of hearing this story over and over again. If you are tired of a submissive, are attracted to someone else, don’t feel comfortable in the relationship, realize you made a mistake, or just didn’t know what you were getting into, actually be worthy of being called a Dominant; be honest, communicate clearly, effectively and with compassion, and release your submissive gently but firmly. But for heavens sake don’t just abandon them and leave them to suffer, wonder, worry and fret. Abandonment of a submissive through neglect or intentional failure to respond is a spineless, cowardly, deeply inconsiderate act. No one who undertakes such action or inaction deserves the title of Dominant, let alone Master.
So now that I have vented and gotten that off my chest, what should a submissive do who is confronted with a Dom who never calls, writes, interacts, or otherwise shows care and concern for their submissive?
All too often, submissives do not feel they can approach their Dominant with a concern or problem in the relationship. They feel they are overstepping their bounds, making demands when they should be serving, or fearful of angering their Dominant. All D/s relationships should have a provision built into them where everyone can take a time out and talk to each other as equals in an effort to address problems or concerns in the relationship. If this does not exist in a D/s relationship I would certainly question the Dom and their motives. That said, if a Dominant refuses to interact in such a manner with the submissive or after hearing them out does not respond to the plea for attention, communication, or other care, then more drastic measures should be undertaken.
If a submissive is not getting what they need in a D/s relationship and have exhausted other means they can petition the Dominant to be released. D/s is after all a conscious and free choice on the part of both Dominant and submissive. But be warned! Petitioning for release should never, ever be used as a bargaining chip. Don’t go to a Dom with the attitude that if you do not get your way you will petition to be released like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. A petition to be released is in fact the actual release mechanism. If you ask to be released that is what you will be. Never play chicken with that request or use it as a bargaining chip. It is a serious thing to petition to be released and in my view it is terminal. You ask, you are released. End of story. Be sure that is what you want.
However, in the instance of submissives who are suffering through neglect or abandonment by their so-called Doms, petition for release is exactly what I argue should be done. If all efforts at communicating needs have been exhausted and are either falling on deaf ears of being disregarded, then I feel very strongly that the submissive should take the initiative and stop the pain and suffering. Petition for your release and do your best to move on. It will hurt like hell and there will certainly be a sense of pain and loss, but it will be far less and shorter in duration than suffering endlessly in continual feelings of neglect or abandonment.
Submission is perhaps the ultimate vulnerability. The choice to give oneself over completely to another cannot be taken lightly and should only be given to the most worthy of recipients. If they are not holding up their end of the bargain and taking responsibility for the absolute trust that has been placed in their hands, then they are not worthy of the submission and it should be retracted. The submissive should petition for release and move on the wiser for it and knowing better what they are seeking in the future.
I realize that this commentary has been unusually harsh but I admit to being saddened and frustrated by hearing this same story over and over again. The details may be slightly different but the theme is the same; a dominant who walks away from their submissive with great cowardice perhaps hoping the submissive will simply just go away. It is abandonment. It is indeed emotional abuse. And it is not worthy of the service, devotion and respect afforded to one with the title of Dominant or Master.
I am sorry this response is so harsh but I hope this time I have been sufficiently clear in both my opinions on the matter and my recommendations to submissives who unfortunately find themselves in these shoes.
I wish you peace on your journey and please above all, be kind to yourself.
Cheers!
Some subs still seem to think it’s part of the ‘game’ to do things that provoke punishments… because they think they like being punished. These subs need a better Dom.
If you’re a sub who likes getting hit, your Dom will hit you. If you like being spanked, he’ll spank you. If you like being punished… he’s not successfully punished you.
Pain followed by tenderness, or intense sex, or reassurance can be extremely exciting, invigorating (and if you’re wired that way) pleasurable. Pain followed by abandonment, loneliness, isolation… nothing but the chaos in your own mind telling you all the things you’ve done wrong and how your risk losing everything you hold dear unless you learn to improve… Now, that’s punishment.
Actually, that’s abuse.
Withholding affection and intentionally fostering feelings of abandonment, isolation, loneliness, and uncertainty in your partner is textbook emotional abuse.
Ladies, beware these tactics. Dominant men do not do that.
Fuckstick losers do that.
Hmmmm…
I understand both of the points being made here. I think that templeofbabalon is making the point that punishment should not be enjoyable. There are a lot of subs that say things like, “I’m gonna go do something that Daddy doesn’t like because I LOVE when he spanks me.” I have never had a punishment I’ve enjoyed. I have had that kind of encounter, but I must agree with the OP that in a loving D/s relationship, there’s absolutely no reason to act out to get that. My most enjoyable spankings were because I was a good girl.
Speaking as a sub, I don’t believe that what the OP described was abuse. Not at all. It was punishment. And a *true* punishment is not meant to be enjoyed. I should be left to deal with the feelings that my behavior caused. A true punishment will have me rethink everything I did to lead up to why I am currently feeling like crap. So yeah…I get it.
Now…I think that that could potentially BECOME abuse if I’m left in that state. I think that some time after the punishment and my being left to stew in it, there should most definitely be some conversation and some reassurance that we’ve move past that. There should be some talking about why the punishment was harsh, why the action was addressed, and some discussion about my still being loved/wanted/etc. I think that abuse is an issue if I’m punished severely, left with my concerns and then they are never addressed again.
Again, I think the whole point of this is that punishments shouldn’t be fun, playful or enjoyable. A punishment is used to correct an action. The purpose is so that sub doesn’t do it again. Whenever someone asks me about what punishments I have enjoyed I always frown and think that I have NEVER had a pleasant punishment.
(Source: touchmyevil)
TEMPERATURE PLAY - is a form of BDSM sensual play where objects and substances are used to manipulate/stimulate the body’s neuroreceptors for heat and cold for sensual effect. Blindfolds are often used to intensify the effects, and bondage can also amplify the experience.
WAX PLAY - can be one of the most tantalizing types of play on the skin that can produce marvelous, stimulating pleasures. But it can also be the cause for an extreme burn if applied improperly. Because of the dangers that are inherent to burning temperatures, some may categorize wax play as “edge play”. By learning basic knowledge and techniques will enable you to safely play with wax. Remember, safety must always be the primary focus when dealing with unpredictable mediums, such as hot wax.
SAFETY - Different types of candles and different crock pot temperatures produce different temperatures of wax that can range from warm and soothing to dangerously hot wax. There is significant difference between individuals’ tolerance for heat, which can vary depending on exactly where the wax is applied.
Wax can splatter into the eyes. Wax that is too hot can cause serious burns. Crock pots and wax therapy spas almost always have heat controls, not temperature controls; temperature will vary over time. Wax may be difficult to remove, particularly from areas with hair. A flea comb or a sharp knife may be necessary for wax removal; use of a knife for this purpose requires special skills, though a plastic card can work as well. Oiling skin before waxing makes removal easier. Remember that some oils will conduct heat and prolong the extreme temperatures from the hot wax. Mineral oil is generally used to oil skin.Wax may pool and concentrate heat. Wax heated in any sort of pot must be stirred vigorously or there can be dangerous temperature variations. Some people may be allergic to perfumes and dyes. Whatever is above a burning candle can get very hot, even at distances that may be surprising. Temperature can be varied based on the height from which you drip, drop, or pour the wax. Check temperature by dropping some on yourself, using the back of your hand and your inner forearm. Keeping the candle 18 inches from the skin is considered a safe distance. Some fetish garments will melt or burn, sticking to the skin and causing serious burns. Anything with nylon, vinyl, PVC, patent leather, or other synthetic fabrics can be a problem.
TYPES OF WAX
Paraffin – most common, inexpensive, burns at low temperatures (115°F - 145°F) and therefore recommended best for wax play.
Soy – becoming popular, more expensive, burns clean at a low temperature (120°F - 150°F) and therefore recommended for wax play. Always ask your bottom beforehand of any allergies they have.
Beeswax – less common, burns at a very high temperature (142°F - 150°F) and therefore not recommended for wax play.
Bayberry – the rarest and most expensive, it is also known as “myrtle wax”. Although it has an extremely low melt point of 116°F, it is an excessively hard wax.
If you are using candles and are not sure how hot they are, cut a piece off and rub it in your hands. If, after a little bit, it becomes like putty, it is a low temperature candle. If it stays hard, it is high temperature. Also, another sign is how long do they burn during normal use. Religious candles are some of the lowest temperature candles available. They are normally about 124°F melting point.ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
Colour – Dye coloured candles hold a slightly higher temperature of only 1°- 3° and is not a problem for use in wax play. Because pigment colour, can separate once melted, it will also affect the temperature of the melted wax by 3°or 4°. Warning: the pigment itself can hold much higher temperatures once separated and can cause burns. It makes good practice to use pure paraffin as the first coating on the skin. An easy way to add colour to plain wax is to add a crayola crayon to the wax pot. One small caution is there is a chance that the dye colour may stain skin.
Scent – Scents added to wax will only have a temperature burn difference of 1°- 2° and is not considered to significantly affect application techniques. Be aware that some people are allergic or sensitive to certain fragrances; so ask ahead of time to prevent mishaps.
CANDLE TYPESTaper – They are tapered at the top and wider at the bottom allowing for even burning. Because the wax is coming directly from the flame, no pooling is allowed to form (cooling), thus producing the highest temperature of all the candles; therefore extreme care should be taken when using them. The melt point can be 140°F and higher depending on the wax used: paraffin, beeswax, or bayberry wax.
Pillar - They can take any shape and size but always form in an equal diameter. Melted wax is allowed to pool in the surrounding area of the wick, allowing cooling of the wax. Nearest to the wick can be a temperature as high as 250°F as it is drawn up into the wick for fuel. As wax moves away from the flame (about 1¼”), it pools and the radiant temperature cools to about 140°F. From 1¼” to 1½” away from the flame, the wax can cool to 127°F. Moving more than 1½” away from the flame, the wax cools to ambient room temperature. A common problem found is the hot area around the wick starts to sink and the outer rim of wax never gets hot enough to melt causing a tunnel effect. To prevent this from happening, while the candle is still warm after extinguishing, push and turn in the sides using your fingers/thumb to get the outer wax closer to the centre, bring down the column of wax.
Voltives – poured into moulds and can be any shape, but size is usually limited to allow it to be placed in votive glass containers or allowed to float in water. Usually paraffin wax is used. The melting point can vary from 128°F to 134°F. The ease of use makes this the most popular.
Tealights – poured into thin metal cups using paraffin wax. Pooling does not occur and therefore the temperature can be 136°F or higher. Better used as ambiance to a room rather than for wax play.
Wax Bath – an electrical vat or fondue pot containing paraffin wax. A ladle can be used to collect the wax and pour it on the body. Use only vats that have a temperature thermostat, which can be regulated. Stir the wax often. Turn the heat up high to initially melt the wax. Then turn it down and allow a skim coat to form on the top. Stir the bath of wax and adjust thermostat for the correct temperature setting.
Dripless – this usually applies to formal taper candlesticks . During the dipping process, a special harder outer layer of wax is applied, which makes a “cup” that holds the melted wax. This prevents the liquid wax to run down the candle sides. These candles are not recommended for wax play because of the high heat content.
Drippy - additives are combined with the wax to allow the wax to soften quickly and drip. They have a low melting point and are great for wax play.
APPLICATIONSafe temperatures to use when applying wax are 110°F - 139°F depending upon preparation within the scene. Less sensitive areas are the back and chest. Proper area lighting is important to be able to see the amount of wax you are distributing. Once the wax is removed, the skin is ultra-stimulated and the slightest touch will have him/her squirming.
If you are going to use different types of candles, it is best to have a layer of pure paraffin on the skin first as a barrier layer. This will diffuse the heat over a larger area. Give time between drops to allow that wax to cool and the bottom to react to the sensations. Placing a wax drop on top of another drop creates a penetrating deep heat and requires a longer cooling period, so take your time. Apply a steady series of drops and spread the drops out around the entire area. Rotate candles around while dripping so they burn evenly.
Pillar candles’ pool of wax is what is useful for wax play and should be allowed to regenerate as often as needed. To apply, hold the lit candle directly over the body and tilt it to drip the pooled wax while moving it over the body.
Taper candles require much more care while using because they burn at a much higher temperature. The old school thought is to adjust the height of the drop by raising your arm & varying the distance. This allows the drop of wax to cool as it falls downward hitting your target. Latest tests show that the degree of cooling is so negligible that this method is not needed. Besides, dripping wax from those distances causes splashing of wax everywhere; getting onto clothes, hair, face, shoes and surrounding areas. Skip all the mess, build your protective barrier layer of wax first and then have fun sending your bottom into ecstasy.
Votives can be placed directly on your subject if a thick layer of wax is applied beforehand to help insulate the skin from the higher temperatures. Warning: Peel label off bottom of candle first and melt bottom to assure a sturdy placement. As the votive wax melts, the spilling will add to the bottom’s sensation with each breath they take. This may remind the bottom to stay still during this fun play, or not. Imagine your canvas topped with coloured votives slowly spilling wax down the sides of body, chest, and waist. Votives can also be placed in glass containers and allowed to pool and then be poured on the body for a heavenly warm sensation.
Container application is accomplished by tilting the holder enough that the wax pours out of the top. Try not to allow the flame to touch the opposite side of glass, which will produce soot on that area. If this happens, just wipe with towel after is cools. It is important to allow time for the wax to pool, therefore it is recommended to have numerous container candles.
Wax Bath/Vat application is accomplished by using a paintbrush, a ladle, or even your hands. Have a drip plate available to catch extra wax dripping off the brush. To create darker colours apply multiple layers of wax; allow each layer to harden before applying the next. The ladle allows for more flow of wax. For a full hands on play, use your own hands, cupped, to scoop up the wax and spread it onto the skin of your partner. Having your hands sensually exploring, pinching, and rubbing.
CLEAN UP
Using a wet ice cube to chill the wax on the skin is an easy way to remove wax. It is also a nice double sensation of mediums. To peel the wax off, use a knife, scraper, or a fine edge to loosen the edges and then grab it with your fingers and gently pull the wax over itself. A plastic scraper is useful to get the small areas of wax left over on the skin. The scrubbie will also get off the small bits of wax remaining by gently rubbing it over the skin. To get wax out of hair, use a flea comb. It is not a good idea to use a leather flogger or whip to remove wax – it gets everywhere and also on your expensive toy. Besides, you just gave a pleasurable, relaxing, sensual, erotic, and luxurious play scene. Leave the stingy ouchies for another time.
Clean up is easy if you used plastic to cover any area beforehand. Do not re-use any wax you have taken off of skin. It is contaminated with skin flakes, oils, and dirt.
If wax got on your clothing, boil them in a large pot to release the wax from the fabric.
Any wax left in your hair will easily come off by showering with a conditioner.
(Source: movedelsewhere123, via k-rotik)
I was doing some research and found this. I figured it might be able to help some people here.
~Illianna
(via watchusfuck)
Tweezer clamp, collar and tits (Taken with Instagram)
I just had one of the most interesting, new and sort of eye opening experiences in my D/s life. In the last few days, I just learned a lot about my little side.. my submissive side.. my “me” side.
As a protective little, whenever anyone talks shit about my Sir, I instantly pull out poisoned daggers. To make a complicated intro shorter let’s just say that some people that I care about don’t like Sir at all, and continuously make it known to me that they hate him. Whenever anyone talks about Sir like that, it hurts me. My little starts to disappear, and I become less vulnerable. I basically become the person I usually am whenever I’m just going along with life, not submissive and very controlling - oh and bitchy. Anyway, it got so bad that at the end of the entire ordeal it felt like my submissive side, my dear little side was gone.
I wasn’t submissive at all. Sir had nothing on me, I was capable of disobeying, talking back, mouthing off, everything. I treated him like he was just a vanilla boyfriend. I still loved him very much, I simply lost that “edge”. I started questioning the D/s lifestyle: Why do I talk about my little like she’s a person? Why do I speak about her in third person? Does that make me weird? Does that make me crazy? Am I bipolar? Split personality? I began questioning Sir: Do you think I sound insane? Do I seem like I have multiple personalities? IS THIS NORMAL?
Sir responded very well to all of this, he would calmly answer each question with no, you are not crazy, no you are not weird. Our relationship came to the point where I could choose where to take us next. I could turn us both vanilla, or I can get my little back and fall back into D/s. Even though I was out of it, I knew in my heart that D/s is the only relationship that feels real and right to me but Sir is the only one who would be able to bring my little back out again…
….and that is exactly what he did.
One night we went out for dinner. I was still my vanilla, bitchy self, but Sir was very patient with me. I wasn’t very submissive, so I wouldn’t even call him Sir. Anyways, before dinner Sir had some candies that he was munching on. I wanted one, so I said: I want one. and opened my mouth wide for him to feed it to me. The first thing he did was take the candy away and told me to ask him nicely. I mustered up the courage to ask: can I have some candy please? ..apparently it was enough, so he gave me a bite, but soon after he asked: what do you say? .. now that one sentence sent some tingles “down there”. I again, mustered up the courage to thank him. The night carried on, when Sir would talk to me he’d put in words such as: my submissive, my subby, my little one. Each time he said any of those words, more butterflies would come out..
To all the little ones out there, you know that “little cute voice” that you pull out when you want something? Along the lines of: PUHHLEEEEZE DADDDDDDDYYY? well, that started to seep into my sentences.. I started joking around more, being more playful. Suddenly, Sir comes in for a kiss but wraps his hand around my throat and begins to squeeze. I’m not sure if it was something in my eyes, or the fact that I began to blush but after awhile Sir simply said: “there you are little one.. :)” and I started crying. I could not stop the tears welling up in my eyes as Sir held onto me. He sat there quietly, stroking my hair as I let all of the pent up emotions out. Finally I had stopped crying, he wiped my face, kissed me on the forehead and quietly said: “I missed you subby..”
The rest of the night was great. Our dynamic was back, I was back. I felt completely like myself, not the fake shell that I am for the rest of the world out there.
All I can say was this was quite a new experience in my submissive life. I learned a lot about the lifestyle and I learned a lot about my relationship. I really do owe my happiness to my Sir and to him I say:
Thank you Sir. I love you.
I love it when I get the chance to pose and present myself to Dean. He just loves me on all fours.
-Violet
Deciding to come back to reality from His Breaking Bad marathon, He glanced up at the clock and realized it had been 3 and a half hours…..and at least 2 since He’d seen any sign of His little girl. Every now and then she would go off and do her own thing, but He still had a nagging feeling. It wasn’t that often that she didn’t at least check in with Him.
“Kitten!” He summoned her, “where are you sweetheart!?” He waited the appropriate 30 seconds that He usually allowed her and called again…….still no answer. He started to worry, especially with those infrequent but thoughts about what He would do without her, if she wasn’t a part of His life. Of course He hadn’t mentioned them to her, but still.
From the den to the kitchen to the bathroom, He made His way through their cozy little place trying to anticipate where she might have run off too. And then He heard it. At first the sound was barely audible, but He was sure He recognized it as He moved closer.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzz
It was coming from the closet, no question about it now. The buzz quickly increased just as His hand came to rest on the knob and pull the door open. Found you.
Within a split second He shifted from worry to relief and then, anger. She was splayed out on the closet floor, panties around her ankles and her new favorite toy inside of her set to the max, and of course tangled up in one of His button-downs.“Daddy! I…..” she tried to explain, but He wasn’t having it.
He calmly questioned her, “What do you think you’re doing?” . Frantically searching for something, anything, she came up blank. Dragging her out of the closet, He pulled her into full view of the low table-side lamp. Sweat had begun to bead on her soft skin, running down her neck and collar bones.
“You’ve disobeyed me. I gave you very specific orders, but you went behind my back anyway” He shifted the vibrator for emphasis, illiciting a deep groan as He pulled it loose.
Now that she wasn’t so distracted, she could reply “I’m sorry Daddy, but I couldn’t take it anymore! You haven’t let me cum for at least two weeks and I just….” her voice trailed off whimpering “I need you”.
It took everything He had not to pin her down and give her a fuck she would never forget when she said those words like that, when she was looking up at Him with those sweet, desperate eyes gazing through her heavy lashes.
“Fine, go ahead and cum” He told her, never even breaking His stance. She seemed confused. This has to be a trick. There must be some catch she tried to reason as she tried to read His demeanor. But He just continued to wait.
“Go ahead. I give you permission”. Hesitantly her hand traveled over her stomach and between her thighs to meet the wetness she’d created. She watched his eyes roam over her and imagined they were His hands. She remembered the way he could make her shiver with one little finger, or the way his rough hands caressed her nipples. It all just made her ache for Him more as her knees fell apart.
The more her pulse increased the heavier her eyelids felt. They were nearly closed when she felt His hand slide over hers, guiding her fingers inside of her. She could feel it, she was so close, if He would just help her out…
Violet my pet, submissive, etc. Simply my property.
~The Dean
Picture speaks for itself.
-Violet
I love learning new things. And since I am still in training, I try to find and read books and articles about BDSM and different topics pertaining to the subject matter. If you ever read a book or an article about BDSM (topic examples include pain tolerance, lifestyle differences, views on collared vs owned vs slave, Dom vs Domme, etc) and would like to share the article/book (the source) and even your views, you can do so by submitting to either blogs below:
http://damagictouch.tumblr.com/submit
http://theboardingschool.tumblr.com/submit
(If you want your submission to be posted or not, please let it be known in your submission)
Can’t wait to see all the information that you all have to share!
\(^_^)/
-Violet
To piggy back off of Friday’s post on why being a sub is a lot like being an employee, I wanted to share why that same analogy could apply to Doms.
When you work for a company, a good manager is all about helping you achieve your professional goals. This year, I have had the opportunity to take on some amazing mentors at work, who have been able to take my conversations, consider my thoughts, and use that information to develop a plan to get me to not only where I think I can go, but where they think would allow me to the best opportunities for growth. Essentially, a good Dom is like that.
That said…think about a bad manager you had. Typically, they are sneaky and have selfish motives. They generally don’t give you all the information needed to do your job to the best of your ability. Sometimes they throw new responsibilities on you without the proper training or preparation. If you talk to them about your concerns, they are defensive and/or dismissive. They threaten you with losing your job if you don’t perform a certain way. They don’t encourage you and don’t think that your thoughts, feelings or morale matter. There are a lot of Doms who are just like those crappy managers at work. If you use this analogy, they are pretty easy to spot. For the Doms, it’s important to make sure that you aren’t exhibiting any of these qualities, because this will not result in you having a sub who serves well. The motivation to serve will be fear-based or simply because their self-esteem has been shattered. I have worked jobs where I felt like nothing I did was good enough. Do not be the kind of “boss” who makes your sub feel that way.
A good manager inspires his (or her, but again I’m not staying gender neutral for speed and brevity) staff to work well because he believes in them. Encouragement is used often to keep morale high. Rewards, promotions, raises and general appreciation for hard work of the staff is given freely as a good manager knows that the results of the staff are a DIRECT reflection of what they put into their own job. Along those same lines, you cannot call yourself a good manager if your team comes in every day hating what they do. As a leader, you need to inspire them to be the best they can possibly be…to meet and exceed their own expectations. A good Dom does the same for his sub. I can say that when I have had managers who were my cheerleaders and believed in my abilities, I worked that much harder to make them proud. A sub wants her Dom to be pleased and will do the same.
If you have a sub who isn’t behaving in a way you want her to, are you sure you were clear about your expectations? There is nothing worse than coming to work and being reprimanded for something you didn’t even know was a problem. Are you providing feedback to your “employee” and suggesting ways the job performance can be improved upon? Are you apologizing when necessary? It’s awful to work for a manager who cannot admit when they are wrong. It leads to trust issues and the employee feeling like they don’t have a voice. Keep all of these ideas in mind.
Again, I believe that people over-complicate this idea. Being a good Dom doesn’t require a huge cock, leather pants and a flogger. Being a good Dom requires good leadership/management skills and consistency. The same things used in a work environment. As discussed in the previous post, Doms agree to terms and conditions as well. As the Dom, you are agreeing to care for your submissive when you collar her. If you don’t feel like you have what it takes to provide her with the skills she needs to do her “job” well then perhaps it’s times to release her. It isn’t fair to take on an employee, work them to death and they get no reward for their dedication. No one can thrive under those conditions.
So again, this idea of manager/employee can help make the concept of D/s a lot easier to understand. When giving a gift to someone you don’t expect anything in return. When dominance and submission are given, something IS expected, which is why that gift idea just doesn’t sit well with me. This is a relationship that is co-dependent and the boss/employee need to both work with integrity and follow the “You and your company” manual so that everyone gets what they need to.
I have been asked by many about different ways to punish unruly or misbehaving subs, when a Dominant should punish their sub and when they should be lenient. Every BDSM relationship is different, so remember, thoughts on punishments different greatly from couple to couple. Culture, age, and…
